Today, I went to the doctor because I had another cold I can’t seem to shake. It turns out I have allergies, which sucks, but maybe now that I know what I’m dealing with, I can start feeling better. The thing is: I hadn’t been to this doctor before, so I had to fill out the new patient paperwork.

When I got to the family history section, it asked for ages and physical health status and cause of death where applicable for each of my immediate family members: father, mother… brother.

In my mind, “deceased” has always been a word for grandparents and other older relatives. It’s not supposed to apply to your baby brother. I managed not to completely lose it in the patient waiting room, but the ripples of loss never seem to end.

Will I ever be able to answer the question, “So, do you have any siblings?” without crying? I’m not supposed to be an only child again. It feels like I am always just one question away from tears.

The loss of one of my favorite people on the planet just keeps on hitting.