Today would have been Joe’s 30th birthday, and the lost opportunity in that realization is what is driving me back to writing today. This year is bringing a lot of changes to my life, changes my brother will not be figured into because he is no longer here on this earth.
My family is growing again: we will welcome baby #4 in February. I wanted to hear Joey laugh at the news, but instead there is silence. In the next few months, my husband, children and I will be moving into a new house in a new town (where I already have many wonderful friends) along with my parents, while the house we last lived in with Joey is going to be sold to someone else, someone who won’t understand that this is the house Joey Jello grew up in.
Our lives are moving on without him, and while it is good, it also hurts.
But as I was going through old papers and junk to de-clutter our current home, I came across a paper I used to keep posted on my desk at college. It’s something my grandmother wrote in an email not long before she died. Read the rest of this entry
Michael Allen, circa 1990-something. This is how I’ll probably always think of you, Friend. Rest in Peace.
This morning I got word that a good friend from high school passed away. I still don’t know the details, but I was compelled to write. This has become my thinking grounds: the place where I process my emotions and find healing, or at least peace to begin healing.
All I can think about is how thin that veil between life and death really is, and how none of us are immune. Interestingly, these are the same thoughts I was puzzling over just yesterday, as it was Ash Wednesday – ashes to ashes, dust to dust. As I have mentioned before, I like the way Ingrid Michaelson’s song Breakable explains it. We are so fragile. Read the rest of this entry
Friday night was the second meeting of my book club, and I am SO enjoying this new addition to my life. I have wanted for ages to be in a book club, but never knew of one or had enough friends who were interested. But now I am in one, and I love it!
This month’s book (Me Before You by Jojo Moyes) was such a good/difficult one for me because of all the issues and emotions it forced me to think about and consider. Without giving anything away, I will just say that one of the main characters is hit by a car in the first few pages of the book which doesn’t kill him but leaves him a quadriplegic in constant pain unable to do anything for himself, and the majority of the novel entails his relationship with a caretaker and how they change each other’s lives/perspectives. Read the rest of this entry
I’ve often heard, and I suppose I believed that the first Christmas (or other major holiday you may celebrate) without someone you love is the hardest, but now I’m not sure that’s true.
Last Christmas, it had been 6 months since Joey’s death, and I missed him so much, but I feel like I was still just in shock so much that I couldn’t quite come to terms with the reality. I had started walking and set my goal to run a 5k in 2013, and these goals were so important for me to keep moving and taking breaths every day, but in some ways they were also a much needed distraction at the time.
This Christmas, however, I have felt the absence of Joey much worse. The permanence of death has set in, and the least of things has moved me to tears. Read the rest of this entry
I’m not sure I can even begin to wrap words around the emotions I am feeling today.
Yesterday was the day my mom and Joey’s friends finally had the opportunity to face George Martinez, Jr., the man responsible for the death of Joey Jello. Read the rest of this entry
Just a small sample of Joey’s many, many wonderful friends.
I just want to take a minute or two to say how special you all are and how much you mean to me and my family.
Joey and I were brought up with a high standard of friendship, and to be quite honest, I had come to believe that perhaps there weren’t more than just a handful of folks on this planet who held that same standard. But it seems that Joe had found a deep well of friends who stand by you through it all. Read the rest of this entry
It’s been more than a month since I’ve written here. The reason is every time I put my fingers to keys, I know what I really should be writing. Next week, my mom will travel to Austin, TX for the allocution of George Martinez, Jr., the man responsible for my brother’s death. During the allocution process, the victims of his crime will have the opportunity to speak to the defendant, or in my case, my letter will be read in court as I cannot be there in person.
This is my one and only chance to speak to this man, to say the things I need to say and to finally put this chapter behind me. Not to put Joey behind me, but to release the pain and anger.
I know some of the things I want to say, some that I need to say, but nothing seems like enough. Read the rest of this entry