Category Archives: Uncategorized

Aug19

This Has To Be A Good Page

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Frances Young

Frances Young

Today would have been Joe’s 30th birthday, and the lost opportunity in that realization is what is driving me back to writing today. This year is bringing a lot of changes to my life, changes my brother will not be figured into because he is no longer here on this earth.

My family is growing again: we will welcome baby #4 in February. I wanted to hear Joey laugh at the news, but instead there is silence. In the next few months, my husband, children and I will be moving into a new house in a new town (where I already have many wonderful friends) along with my parents, while the house we last lived in with Joey is going to be sold to someone else, someone who won’t understand that this is the house Joey Jello grew up in.

Our lives are moving on without him, and while it is good, it also hurts.

But as I was going through old papers and junk to de-clutter our current home, I came across a paper I used to keep posted on my desk at college. It’s something my grandmother wrote in an email not long before she died. Read the rest of this entry →

Mar6

Fragile

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Michael Allen, circa 1990-something. This is how I'll probably always think of you, Friend. Rest in Peace.

Michael Allen, circa 1990-something. This is how I’ll probably always think of you, Friend. Rest in Peace.

This morning I got word that a good friend from high school passed away. I still don’t know the details, but I was compelled to write. This has become my thinking grounds: the place where I process my emotions and find healing, or at least peace to begin healing.

All I can think about is how thin that veil between life and death really is, and how none of us are immune. Interestingly, these are the same thoughts I was puzzling over just yesterday, as it was Ash Wednesday – ashes to ashes, dust to dust. As I have mentioned before, I like the way Ingrid Michaelson’s song Breakable explains it. We are so fragile. Read the rest of this entry →

Mar2

Me Before You

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20140301-163914.jpgFriday night was the second meeting of my book club, and I am SO enjoying this new addition to my life. I have wanted for ages to be in a book club, but never knew of one or had enough friends who were interested. But now I am in one, and I love it!

This month’s book (Me Before You by Jojo Moyes) was such a good/difficult one for me because of all the issues and emotions it forced me to think about and consider. Without giving anything away, I will just say that one of the main characters is hit by a car in the first few pages of the book which doesn’t kill him but leaves him a quadriplegic in constant pain unable to do anything for himself, and the majority of the novel entails his relationship with a caretaker and how they change each other’s lives/perspectives. Read the rest of this entry →

Jan1

So long, 2013. It’s been swell.

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photo-5I’ve often heard, and I suppose I believed that the first Christmas (or other major holiday you may celebrate) without someone you  love is the hardest, but now I’m not sure that’s true.

Last Christmas, it had been 6 months since Joey’s death, and I missed him so much, but I feel like I was still just in shock so much that I couldn’t quite come to terms with the reality. I had started walking and set my goal to run a 5k in 2013, and these goals were so important for me to keep moving and taking breaths every day, but in some ways they were also a much needed distraction at the time.

This Christmas, however, I have felt the absence of Joey much worse. The permanence of death has set in, and the least of things has moved me to tears. Read the rest of this entry →

Dec18

Feeling

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745_WomanPrayingI’m not sure I can even begin to wrap words around the emotions I am feeling today.

Yesterday was the day my mom and Joey’s friends finally had the opportunity to face George Martinez, Jr., the man responsible for the death of Joey Jello. Read the rest of this entry →

Dec11

An Open Letter to the Friends of Joey Jello

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Just a small sample of Joey’s many, many wonderful friends.

I just want to take a minute or two to say how special you all are and how much you mean to me and my family.

Joey and I were brought up with a high standard of friendship, and to be quite honest, I had come to believe that perhaps there weren’t more than just a handful of folks on this planet who held that same standard. But it seems that Joe had found a deep well of friends who stand by you through it all. Read the rest of this entry →

Dec5

The hardest words I’ll ever write

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JGBallard_Crash_OriginalManuscriptIt’s been more than a month since I’ve written here. The reason is every time I put my fingers to keys, I know what I really should be writing. Next week, my mom will travel to Austin, TX for the allocution of George Martinez, Jr., the man responsible for my brother’s death. During the allocution process, the victims of his crime will have the opportunity to speak to the defendant, or in my case, my letter will be read in court as I cannot be there in person.

This is my one and only chance to speak to this man, to say the things I need to say and to finally put this chapter behind me. Not to put Joey behind me, but to release the pain and anger.

I know some of the things I want to say, some that I need to say, but nothing seems like enough. Read the rest of this entry →

Nov6

Perspective

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beofppDuring my run Monday I had a passing thought about what I look like when I run. It wasn’t a self-conscious thought. More of a curiosity. And it got me thinking back to past attempts at this whole running thing. Because I’m pretty sure one of the things that really held me back was worrying about how I looked while I was running.

I was younger then, and concerned with outward appearances. I compared myself with others and always felt that I came up lacking when it came to athletic ability. I was the kid who HATED field day – coming in last at every event, it seemed.

But now I’m older and wiser, and I love running so much, and I.don’t.care. what I look like when I run. I’m not doing it for onlookers. I’m doing it for me. So, if the way I look when I run makes anyone uncomfortable…well, your problem, not mine. -I’m freakin’ running!

*Sorry no family photos, yet. We had to postpone our session until next week, but I promise to post them as soon as I get them.*

Nov4

Journey

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4215669914_59f859dd60_zFinally got back out there for a run today. I wasn’t feeling 100%, and honestly, when I woke up this morning, I REALLY didn’t want to go run, but the thought of another day off just didn’t sit well with me. So, I laced up my shoes and went for it.

I love that phrase about lacing up my shoes, but to be really real I have to admit that getting out for a run actually takes me a TON more work. I have to get 3 boys dressed, pack the twins’ bag with extra clothes just in case they have an accident, make and pack lunch for the boys to eat when we leave the Y, pack my water and a post-run snack, lace up my shoes and velcro three more pairs, strap all of us into the van, drive to the Y, get everyone out of their car-seats, drop boys in their respective classrooms, drop my bag in the locker room, and THEN…go for a run.

But anyhoo, once I got out there, I just took it one stride at a time, and I ended up doing 5k in just under 40 minutes! This is close to my best time for the distance, so after a week off everything and not having run a full 5k in weeks, I feel pretty happy with my performance.

The progress I really want to acknowledge today, though, actually has to do with who I have become. In my past, I have gone on diet & exercise programs repeatedly, and each time I eventually went “off plan” as they say. I’d feel excruciatingly guilty as well as completely out of control. But last week when I was sick and ate some foods that weren’t the healthiest (including way too much Halloween candy), I didn’t let it get to me. I just thought, “I know I’m going to get back to running next week, and hey, this is just food, after all.” It’s taken a lot of work, but I think I’m finally starting to make progress in the area of  no longer allowing FOOD to have the power in our relationship. I don’t just think of it as fuel; I do really enjoy tasty foods all the time, BUT it’s not my life anymore. It has no hold over me. I don’t think in terms of “good foods” and “bad foods,” just foods that make me feel good, foods that I can enjoy and also count on having energy for my run later.

The other thing I discovered this week when I was feeling a bit bloated and yucky was that life really is all about the journey. I know it’s a cliche, but truthfully, the destination of a healthy body isn’t a place I’m going to get to and just stop moving. I’m going to be a runner for as long as my body will keep moving. So it’s no big deal if one day I don’t feel super fantastic. It’s just one day. It’s just one speck of my life. As long as I keep moving forward, the good days will outweigh the bad days, and when I look back at them all, I believe I’ll see a life well-lived.

Oct31

Not who I used to be

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Christmas 2011

Christmas 2011

What a yucky week we’ve had here. Last week I started out so strong, biking and running every day and feeling really good. Then Friday, one of my boys woke up with a cough, so I decided we should stay home and keep everyone else’s kids healthy. Of course, then Monday I woke up with a severe sore throat and congestion along with full body achi-ness.  I’m feeling a bit better now, but everyone in the house has been fighting this crud, so we’ve been effectively benched.

I can’t believe this is who I am now, but a whole week without running has been unbearable! And I must admit I’ve been a little off my game with my eating as well. You know how it is when you’re sick – you just want comfort food. Read the rest of this entry →